This article is written by Co-Owner of Arrival Counseling Service - Derek Schoffstall, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in PA and CA who focuses his work on rebuilding intimacy with couples.

Compromise is commonly agreed upon as a foundational element of a prosperous relationship. But finding the elusive balance between individual needs and the dynamics of a relationship can be a daunting task. It requires a deep understanding of oneself and one’s partner. In this comprehensive guide, we will explore the art of compromise and how it can benefit any intimate relationship.

What is Compromise?

Compromise refers to the process of reaching an agreement or settlement in which both parties involved make concessions or sacrifices to achieve a mutually acceptable solution.

In order to come to a compromise, both parties involved must possess a willingness to listen to the other person's perspective and empathize with their position. In order to prioritize the well-being of the relationship, we may need to set aside our personal preferences. The key to successful compromise is a give-and-take attitude. We must be willing to make concessions, but we should also expect the same from the other person. Finding common ground involves patience, and a willingness to explore creative and new options. Compromise is not about winning or losing, but about finding solutions that work for both partners.

The Benefits of Compromise

Since compromise is about challenging yourself to sacrifice something important to you, you might be wondering - what exactly is the benefit of that?

Well, according to John Gottman, renowned psychologist and relationship expert, one of the key predictors of a successful relationship is a couple's ability to manage conflict effectively. Gottman's research has shown that couples who are skilled at resolving conflicts and finding compromises tend to be more satisfied in their relationships (as referenced in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). Gottman is not the only one to research this. There have been many other studies that found similar claims over the years (Impett et al., 2005; Gaines Jr et al., 1997; Kelley & Thibaut, 1978).

But why does compromise lead to more satisfaction? Well, when you and your partner work together to find a compromise, it's an opportunity to deepen your intimacy. By taking the time to listen and understand your partner's concerns, you show them that you care about their feelings and opinions. This kind of validation builds a stronger foundation for communication and trust in your relationship. So, every time you compromise, you're both learning to respect each other's unique points of view. This works toward building a happy, healthy relationship together.

Personal vs. Relationship Needs

Balancing personal needs with those of your relationship can be a tough act. Both individuals in the relationship as well as the relationship itself have distinct needs that, when addressed and balanced, pave the way for a satisfying partnership.

Personal needs within a partnership vary between individuals, but often encompasses desires for love, respect, appreciation, and support. This can also entail a desire for the partner to grasp one's values and aspirations. Additionally, it involves spending quality time together, engaging in shared interests or hobbies, maintaining open communication, respecting personal boundaries, and nurturing comfort and safety within the relationship.

On the other hand, relationship needs are about what is essential for the partnership as a whole. These critical elements often include trust, mutual respect, effective communication, empathy, and alignment in goals and values. Ironically, a willingness to compromise and collaborate towards shared objectives is often a relationship need itself. Additionally, thriving relationships are built on emotional support, intimacy, and affection.

6 Steps to Finding a Compromise

When aiming for a compromise, the goal is to balance the individual needs of both partners with the overall needs of the relationship. This is obviously a complex task! Here are some steps to help you find the right equilibrium between these needs, enabling you to reach a satisfactory compromise with your partner.

1. Identify Your Needs and Wants

Before entering any negotiation or conflict, it's important to have clarity on what you truly desire and what you're willing to sacrifice. Reflecting on your essential needs, desires, and values will help guide your decision-making process and enable you to make more informed compromises. Without a clear understanding of your own needs and wants, you run the risk of giving too much or too little in a negotiation. You may even find yourself compromising on something that is truly important to you, which may lead to resentment later on. Taking the time to reflect on your “non-negotiables” will help you enter any negotiation or conflict with confidence and clarity.

2. Listen/Share Your Perspective

Effective communication not only strengthens the bond between individuals but also helps in better understanding and resolving conflicts. When it comes to compromising, it's crucial to convey your thoughts and feelings assertively yet respectfully without attacking the other person. As mentioned earlier, it is equally important to listen to the other person's viewpoint with an open mind and consider their feelings. If you wish to ensure a favorable outcome when trying to come to a compromise, prioritize active listening first.

The ability to listen actively means fully concentrating on what someone is saying and giving them your undivided attention. The way I describe this to clients is: the focus of active listening is on reflecting back what you are hearing your partner say, instead of responding or reacting to your partner. This type of listening is vital because it builds trust, understanding, and helps to avoid misunderstandings. To become an active listener, there are several simple steps that you can take:

Remember, communication in any relationship is a process, and it takes effort, patience, and understanding from both parties to make it successful.

3. Find Common Ground

Finding common ground is an essential step towards finding a compromise. It involves identifying areas of mutual agreement and working towards an outcome that is beneficial for both parties. To arrive at a mutually agreeable solution, it's crucial to brainstorm different options. During this process, a thorough exploration of the pros and cons of each alternative is necessary. An essential component of this step is to keep oneself open to new ideas and perspectives. By considering various options and perspectives, it is more likely to find a solution that satisfies both parties, facilitating mutual benefits for all involved.

4. Be Flexible

Compromise necessitates a willingness to be flexible and open-minded. For a successful compromise, both parties must understand that they might have to make concessions to achieve mutual benefits. In relationships, it's essential for individuals to prioritize the well-being of the partnership as a whole, rather than focusing solely on their own individual needs. In the process of addressing relational needs, there's often an overlap with an individual's needs. Remember the common ground identified earlier, and take time to reflect on the impact of your decision on both yourself and the relationship.

Take these two examples:

Imagine a couple who has conflicting work schedules, making it difficult for them to spend quality time together. Here are two ways this couple could address this, depending on their context: Firstly, one partner may choose to adjust their work hours or take on a different role to accommodate the relationship, despite the potential drawbacks to their individual career.
Alternatively, instead of one partner adjusting their work hours or taking on a different role, the couple might agree to prioritize their individual careers and find creative ways to connect during their limited free time. For instance, they could leave each other heartfelt notes or send thoughtful text messages throughout the day, plan a special weekly breakfast or lunch together, or designate a specific evening for a relaxing at-home movie night. They could also take advantage of weekends or days off to plan short getaways or embark on new hobbies together, nurturing their connection despite their busy schedules.
In another scenario, a couple might have different opinions on where to spend their holidays. They could decide to alternate between their preferred destinations each year, ensuring that both parties feel heard and valued.
Alternatively, instead of alternating between their preferred destinations each year, they could decide to explore new destinations together neither person had in mind originally, creating shared experiences that help them grow as a couple while also accommodating each person's interests.
Other possible solutions might include dividing their holiday time between both preferred destinations within the same trip, allowing each partner to enjoy their chosen location. The couple could also consider inviting friends or family members to join them, turning the holiday into a more social experience that balances the desires of both partners.
Another approach could involve setting aside separate holidays where each partner visits their preferred destination individually or with friends, while still planning a joint trip to a mutually agreed-upon location.

It may come as a surprise, but in most arguments or discussions, a compromise can be reached that results in a generally positive outcome for both parties.

5. Follow Through

Once a compromise has been reached, simply making the agreement is not enough. It is essential to follow through on the promises made during the negotiations. This means being accountable for your actions and staying committed to the decision that was made. If necessary, it may be helpful to write down the terms of the agreement to ensure that everyone is on the same page. If any issues arise during the implementation of the agreement, it's important to communicate openly with the other party. By working together to find a solution, the original compromise can still be upheld. Failing to follow through on a compromise can damage relationships and make it more challenging to reach agreements in the future. Therefore, one must be diligent in upholding the terms of any compromise reached.

6. Seek Support

Sometimes the struggle to find a compromise can become overwhelming and even lead to resentment or tension between partners. In such situations, seeking support from a therapist can be immensely valuable. These professionals can provide an objective perspective that offers fresh insights into the specific challenges that each couple is facing. Furthermore, a therapist can help both parties to communicate more effectively, which is often an essential factor in finding solutions that work for everyone involved. By getting help from a trained professional, couples can strengthen their relationship while also attending to their individual needs, ultimately fostering a healthier and happier bond.

Arrival Counseling Service: Your Partner in Healing

At Arrival Counseling Service, Derek Schoffstall, LMFT is a couples therapist who specializes in helping couples navigate communication issues and restore intimacy in their relationships. He has extensive experience working with couples and is dedicated to providing compassionate and effective support.

Derek is licensed in the states of Pennsylvania as well as California and is flexible to provide teletherapy virtually, should you not be located nearby his practice in Harrisburg, PA.

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