embracing uncertainty

Dear Reader,

Someone asked me last week how to know if they should stay in their job or leave. They'd been sitting with this question for months, going back and forth, asking everyone they knew for advice. Every time they got close to a decision, something new would come up and they'd be back to not knowing. They wanted me to help them find certainty, and I had to tell them I couldn't give them that. In fact, nobody could.

I've been thinking about how much effort we put into trying to make uncertainty go away. We keep looking for more information, waiting for some clear sign that we're making the right choice. But that kind of certainty rarely shows up for the bigger decisions we face, and we exhaust ourselves waiting for it.

I've sat with a lot of people through uncertainty, and what seems to make it unbearable isn't just the not knowing itself. It feels like we should have figured it out by now, like not having an answer means we're doing something wrong. We treat uncertainty like a problem to solve instead of a reality to live inside while we figure things out.

I keep wondering what it would mean to intentionally embrace uncertainty instead of just trying to eliminate it. To say "I don't know how this will turn out" and make a choice anyway. To accept that no amount of research delivers the certainty we are looking for, and to choose a direction anyway.

Uncertainty doesn't disappear when you stop fighting it. But the paralysis might.

Yours in the journey,

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meaning making

Dear Reader,

A client told me recently that her childhood was hard, and she's spent most of her adult life trying to figure out what that means. Was it character building? Was it trauma she needs to heal from? Was it just what happened, with no larger significance attached? The question exhausts her because she's spent so long searching for the answer, as though there's one true interpretation hiding somewhere. What she's starting to realize in therapy is that meaning might be something she gets to create rather than uncover.

I've been noticing how often we do this. Something happens and almost immediately we're interpreting it. Your friend doesn't text back and suddenly you've decided they're angry with you. You don't get the job and the story becomes that you're not good enough. Someone compliments your work and you're already assuming they're just being polite. The thing that happened is just the thing that happened, but the meaning we attach to it is what we end up carrying.

Most of this happens without us thinking about it. We inherit meanings from our families, our past, the culture we grew up in. Someone who was criticized a lot as a kid hears feedback differently than someone who was encouraged. The same words land in completely different places depending on what meanings you've already built around being corrected.

What can change when you start noticing this is that you have some say in the story of your life. For example, your boss gives you critical feedback. The first meaning that shows up might be "I'm failing." But you could also read it as them investing in your growth, or as one specific thing needing adjustment. Same conversation, but the meaning you settle on changes what you do next.

The meanings we make shape the lives we live. Making meaning intentionally instead of automatically changes what becomes possible.

Yours in the journey,

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beyond keeping score

Dear Reader,

A couple sat in my office last month arguing about dishes. He had a list of everything he'd done around the house for the past two weeks. She had her own mental tally going back months. They were both exhausted, and I watched them realize mid-sentence that they'd stopped making choices about how to show up for each other. They were just reacting to a running count.

Score keeping takes the intentionality out of relating. Once you're tracking who did what and when, you're not choosing how you want to be in each moment anymore. You're just responding to the ledger. Your turn, my turn, who's ahead, who's behind. Every interaction becomes automatic, determined by what came before it rather than by how you actually want to show up.

The tallying usually starts for a reason. Someone feels like they're giving more than they're getting back, and keeping track feels like the only way to prove it's real. You notice you reached out last time, so maybe you'll wait. You drove last week, so it's their turn. You helped them move, so they owe you. It makes sense in the moment. You're just trying to make sure things stay fair. But the score keeping never actually makes things feel fair.

So what are we actually protecting when we keep score? Maybe it's fear of being taken advantage of. Maybe it's trying to prove our hurt is legitimate. Maybe we're just tired of feeling unseen and this is the only way we know to say it.

What would it mean to relate intentionally instead? To notice when you're tempted to check the score and ask a different question: How do I want to show up in this moment, regardless of what they did last time? Not because you're ignoring the imbalance, but because you get to decide what kind of person you want to be in this specific interaction.

Some moments you'll choose generosity. Some moments you'll choose a boundary. Some moments you'll realize this relationship doesn't work anymore and you need to step back. But those are choices you're making about how you want to move through your life, not reactions determined by a tally.

Yours in the journey,

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sacrifice

Dear Reader,

Someone asked me recently what sacrifice actually looks like in therapy. They expected I'd talk about clients making hard choices or giving up destructive patterns. Instead I told them about the father who comes to therapy even though he hates being there. He doesn't think he needs it, but his teenage daughter asked him to go so they could rebuild their relationship. He'd rather be anywhere else, but he shows up anyway because she needs him to.

We think about real sacrifice as happening when you give something up for someone else's good. Parents lose sleep to care for a sick kid and they're exhausted, but their child needs them. Someone turns down more money because the work they're doing matters to people who need it. The loss is real, the cost is felt, and there's no guarantee they'll get anything back for it.

Most of what gets called sacrifice doesn't fit that definition. Staying late at work because you're afraid of what people will think if you leave isn't a sacrifice. Saying yes when you want to say no because conflict feels unbearable isn't sacrifice. From the outside these might look like someone being selfless or committed, but the person doing them usually feels drained and resentful. 

What you're willing to sacrifice tells the truth about what you value. You can say anything matters to you, but the pattern of what you actually give up reveals what's really at the center.

Yours in the journey,

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the space between want and need

Dear Reader,

Our daughter is fifteen months old now, and one thing we've been noticing is how clear her needs still are. When she's hungry, she goes to the fridge. When she's uncomfortable, she lets us know immediately. When she's tired, she gets fussy and rubs her eyes. There's no confusion, or second-guessing or wondering if she's being too demanding. Her body tells her what it needs and she (and we) respond.

Somewhere between infancy and adulthood, most of us lose that clarity. We learn to override our needs, to question whether they're legitimate, to feel guilty for having them at all. And in that confusion, wants and needs start to blur together until we can't tell which is which anymore.

But needs are actually pretty straightforward. Your body needs food, water, rest, safety, connection. Your mind needs stimulation, purpose, some measure of control over your life. Your heart needs to be seen and valued by people who matter to you. That's mostly it. Everything else lives in the territory of want, and there's nothing wrong with that except when we pretend otherwise.

The confusion causes problems when we treat wants like needs. When we act like we'll fall apart without something we actually just prefer to have. When we create urgency around things that are genuinely optional. When we make other people responsible for meeting wants we've convinced ourselves are needs. That's when relationships get strained and we end up feeling perpetually deprived even when we have enough.

It works the other way too. Sometimes we minimize real needs by calling them wants, as if needing things makes us weak or burdensome. You might tell yourself you want your partner to listen when you talk about your day, when what you actually need is to feel like your inner life matters to them. You might say you want more rest when what you need is to stop running yourself into the ground.

What helps us is getting specific. Instead of "I need this to feel better," we ask "What would actually happen if I didn't get this?" If the answer is genuine harm or a serious compromise to well-being, it's probably a need. If the answer is disappointment or discomfort but we'd ultimately be fine, it's a want. Both matter, but they don't matter in the same way.

Knowing the difference doesn't solve everything, but it makes the asking clearer.

Yours in the journey,

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