approval and its costs

Oct 22

Dear Reader,

A husband in one of my couples sessions asked his wife where she wanted to go for their anniversary, and she couldn’t come up with an answer. After a long pause, she said she was so used to thinking about what other people would like that she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore.

Most of us adjust a little for the people around us, and a lot of that is just being considerate. Some of us have done it for so long that it comes naturally. We can usually tell what will make everyone comfortable, and we go along with it without much thought. People tend to appreciate that, since it makes us easy to be around, and it feels good to be liked for it.

The trouble is what happens over time. When we keep setting our own preferences aside, they get harder to find. It’s a bit like a path in the yard that nobody walks on anymore. The grass slowly grows back, and after a while you can’t quite tell where it used to be. That’s what she was describing. She still cared, but it had been a long time since she’d answered that kind of question honestly, and she’d lost track of what she liked.

What surprised her was how her husband felt about it. She thought he liked how easygoing she was. Instead he told her he had stopped asking what she wanted years ago, because she almost always said “whatever you want.” He said that somewhere along the way, he had started to miss her.

I’d like to think the things we each enjoy were given to us for a reason, and that they’re part of what makes us who we are. It might be worth checking in with them now and then, even if it just means that the next time someone asks where you want to eat, you have an answer.

Yours in the journey,