borrowed beliefs

Dear Reader,

A couple I worked with once spent a good ten minutes of a session on whether you're supposed to bring something when you go to someone's house for dinner. He thought showing up empty-handed was fine with close friends. She thought that was unthinkable. What got me was how much heat there was in it, and that when I asked where each of them had picked up their position, neither one could tell me.

I think a lot of what we believe came to us without us ever really choosing it. We took a position from whoever was around at the time, and it settled in, and now it doesn't feel like an opinion at all. It feels like just how things are. That's why we get so worked up when someone does it another way. It doesn't seem like a difference between two people. It seems like they're doing it wrong.

A belief you actually worked out has some history to it. You can remember the conversation that shifted your thinking, or a stretch of years when you believed the opposite. A borrowed belief has none of that behind it. You've just always been sure, and when you go looking for a reason, there's nothing there.

So it's worth catching yourself the next time you feel that flash of certainty about something small. The right way to load a dishwasher, when a thank-you note is required, what counts as being on time. See if you can trace it back. Some of it you'll be able to. And some of it will turn out to be a rule you've been following for thirty years without ever once asking who made it.

Yours in the journey,

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