sacrifice

Dear Reader,

Someone asked me recently what sacrifice actually looks like in therapy. They expected I'd talk about clients making hard choices or giving up destructive patterns. Instead I told them about the father who comes to therapy even though he hates being there. He doesn't think he needs it, but his teenage daughter asked him to go so they could rebuild their relationship. He'd rather be anywhere else, but he shows up anyway because she needs him to.

We think about real sacrifice as happening when you give something up for someone else's good. Parents lose sleep to care for a sick kid and they're exhausted, but their child needs them. Someone turns down more money because the work they're doing matters to people who need it. The loss is real, the cost is felt, and there's no guarantee they'll get anything back for it.

Most of what gets called sacrifice doesn't fit that definition. Staying late at work because you're afraid of what people will think if you leave isn't a sacrifice. Saying yes when you want to say no because conflict feels unbearable isn't sacrifice. From the outside these might look like someone being selfless or committed, but the person doing them usually feels drained and resentful. 

What you're willing to sacrifice tells the truth about what you value. You can say anything matters to you, but the pattern of what you actually give up reveals what's really at the center.

Yours in the journey,

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