when being right doesn’t matter

Mar 12

Dear Reader,

A couple sat in my office last week, locked in an argument about something that happened months ago. He was convinced she'd agreed to something. She was equally certain she hadn't. What struck me wasn't who was right, it was how badly they both needed to be.

He pulled out his phone to show me the text thread that would prove his point. She immediately tensed, arms crossed, already preparing her defense before he'd even found the message. I watched them both gearing up for a battle neither of them actually wanted to fight.

I asked them to pause. Then I asked him what he hoped would happen if he could prove he was right. He stopped scrolling and looked up. After a long silence he said he just wanted her to stop treating him like he makes things up. She wanted him to stop acting like her memory couldn't be trusted. Neither of them cared about the original disagreement anymore. They were fighting about feeling dismissed.

This happens constantly in relationships. We argue about facts when what we're really fighting for is to be seen, to be valued, to not feel small or wrong or like we're losing our grip on reality. Being right becomes a stand-in for being heard, and we convince ourselves that if we can just prove our version of events, the other person will finally understand.

But proving someone wrong doesn't make them feel understood. It makes them feel defensive. You can be factually correct and still damage the relationship by insisting on it. The person across from you stops listening the moment they realize you're trying to win rather than trying to connect.

Being right doesn't always get you what you want. Sometimes it just gets you right.

Yours in the journey,